Manage expectations when moving abroad and thrive
Managing expectations.
As an ex-pat coach and intercultural psychologist, I get a lot of questions about how to manage our expectations when moving abroad. Some people dare to say that they don’t have expectations. Then, I ask them if not having expectations is really an expectation itself.
In this article I will talk about some mistakes ex-pats make that can make their cultural adjustment a lot harder and, of course, how you can avoid these mistakes.
No expectations about expectations?
If you expect that you’re not going to have expectations, it sounds like going around in circles. It is quite impossible to suppress all expectations, essentially because most of our behaviours and thoughts stem from our subconscious and we are not aware of them most of the time. So, we might have expectations, but they are not at our conscious level. If that’s the case with you, the first thing is to accept these expectations are indeed there and you might not even realise you have them. You will probably realize that you HAD an expectation when something happens and you feel uncomfortable and then, just then, you might realise you didn’t expect it. Or things go so smoothly that you find it hard to believe – and there you go again, it was something you didn’t expect would happen.
The first step is to know your “what for”
It’s extremely important to understand your motive for moving in the first place. When working with clients I don’t use the question “why”. Pretty much all of us know WHY we want to move. But many of us have never really thought about what we want to move for. When I ask my clients, most answer that they want a better quality of life, or something generic and that won’t get you very far. Be extremely specific when thinking about what you want to accomplish with an international move.
Not only will you get clearer on your real motive, but it will also help you steer the wheel when you get off track – you can only know where to go if you have a clear destination. It will help you keep your eye on the prize and calibrate decisions to accomplish what you determined you want to achieve.
Are you running away from something?
Many times, we articulate our “what for” in a way that makes us feel that we’re avoiding or running away from something. This doesn’t work for many reasons: if you focus on what you don’t want (i.e. what you’re trying to avoid), chances are you are unconsciously attracting that same thing. So, let’s imagine you are moving to get away from family dynamics that don’t make you happy. If you insist on phrasing your objective in that way, you will probably attract situations like the ones you are avoiding. Why? Our problems come with us in our personal baggage.
Get truly clear on that and start re-phrasing your objective in a positive light.
Get input – with a pinch of salt.
Another important way to manage expectations is to talk to people who have experienced an international move. They will give you many interesting tips and ideas and will probably be immensely helpful. But be careful and take every information with a pinch of salt.
Only you know your values, ideas, lifestyle and preferences. While other people’s input is valuable, no one will have YOUR take on things.
Also, be sure to consider the opinions that don’t agree with you. As humans, we tend to only mentally register the information that confirms what we believe is true. We all do this: it’s called confirmation bias. So, be sure to consider what doesn’t sit well with you and reflect if there might be some truth to that.
Own the process.
Moving can be exciting and it also can be draining. It can feel like a roller coaster ride and one minute you are happy and the next moment you are anxious. And, believe me, you can feel both anxiety and excitement at the same time. So, own the process, make it your personal journey with your unique set of qualities, challenges, and experiences.
If you are planning a move and know that it's not all rainbows and unicorns, check out this FREE Pre-Move Emotional Checklist and be prepared emotionally for the challenges of an international move!
Want to connect with other ex-pats and expats-to-be? Join our Facebook group Expat Connection:
This blog was written by Deborah Dahab: Guest blogger.
